Each of us has to experience different lessons to learn and grow at various levels. This is great because you can practice taking back your power. On the deeper level of your core feelings, other's unloving behavior causes loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, and helplessness over them. But if you project your emotions onto someone else, you can cause real harm to yourself and others something you probably already know if youve been on the receiving end of someone saying you make me miserable in a fight. Do you feel responsible for other peoples feelings? Were all responsible for ourselves at the end of the day, but we must be willing to recognize our part in how we show up within our relationships. They will not exist. My book, Guiding Principles for Life Beyond Victim Consciousness, goes into great detail about learning the difference between these two ways of perceiving the world. Trust me, if I can use the teachings of Buddhism to brighten and empower my life, you can too. Maybe you know the feeling a manager asks if you can work a couple of extra hours one night. The Sun was always happy to hear her voice. If youve ever been in a situation where someone expressed anger toward you, became frustrated, or simply seemed off, you know how easy it is to wonder, is it my fault?. "People obviously thought their money was in good hands and clearly had not done enough checking to be sure of that". And I reveal a step-by-step process for you to transform your life in the same way. December 10, 2022, 9:41 am, by Best-selling author, seminar leader and co-creator of Inner Bonding. But if youre being emotionally responsible, you will state your feelings in a non-blaming way. If I want to be a good person, I might say, Wow, I dont know where that came from! The way to get to this place is to truly accept that your needs might cramp another persons style, but that doesnt make them wrong. It can be calming and soothing to blow off steam, complain, point the finger at others, avoid . As soon as I got it right in one situation, spirit arranged for me to be challenged by new situations. It can lead to some pretty unhealthy relationship patterns, including insecure attachment patterns, allowing resentment, bitterness, or bullying to develop in a relationship. Why others are not responsible for your thoughts or feelings. For example, two different people could be told that their suggestions made at the staff meeting were "stupid and idiotic.". In this blog post, we'll explore these and more steps you can take to help you regain control of your life and emotions. No one is a mind-reader, so expecting other people in our life to know what we need is a sure way to set ourselves up for disappointment. Lets find out. At the end of the day, we have very limited control over other peoples behavior, feelings, and beliefs. It's so upsetting that they try to resolve the negative feelings and problems of people close to them. How others feel, act, and respond are within their boundaries. To put it very simply, if you think and talk about other peoples lives, then you call into your life THEIR energy. Then you have permission to intervene in their life. Emotions make us who we are and it adds meaning to our lives. You're A Loving Being. Perhaps you set a boundary saying, I want to work through this with you, but not like this. During the last 5 years, she has been working with people who are going through a life transformation which brings them on the path of their higher potential and life purpose. All the negativity got out of control. Dr. Henry Cloud explains it like this from his book, Boundaries: "Controlling nonresponsives have a hard time looking past themselves. The reasons why you're so attached to taking responsibility for other people's feelings. Not every HSP struggles with this. Did you like my article? You are only responsible for yourself, your stuff, your actions, and your attitude. Inner child exercises can help you parent and nurture your inner child, offering them the comfort they need. If people-pleasing is a big issue for you, then here is a four-step process that may help you: Think about what you need. Im so sorry that I caused you pain. These are the kinds of things that run through many men . This time they have gone too far, and no one could expect me to feel okay in this situation. But people-pleasing is more than simple kindness. It was so easy to think that I felt awful because of how I was being treated by the other person, rather than because of how I was treating myself and the other person. Ultimately . They also have a hard time understanding who they truly are and what they really feel. We each have a part to play in how we express ourselves. Look, on the surface, people-pleasing might not sound all that bad. When you are responsible and accountable for your feelings, you can rule them rather than let . It can be the other way around - if a child begins to equate its own happiness with the approval of its teachers or family members - then it will begin to feel trapped or in conflict. We are not responsible for other people's feelings. 10 Ways to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries, Understanding What Your Emotions Are Trying to Tell You, Atelophobia: Overcoming this Fear of Making Mistakes, What Is an Energy Vampire and How to Protect Yourself, 10 Effective Ways to Keep Your Partner Interested, Tips for Living With A Narcissist and Splitting Housework. In short, we can assume 100% responsibility for our own feelings and know that others are responsible for their feelings without being cold and unkind towards them. And because youre not being authentic yourself, you rob yourself of the power of authenticity. The only feelings you have full control over are your own. Eventually someone can, often without knowing, feel constantly uneasy unless approved of - so something inside only gives permission for relaxation if they are . They see others responsible for their struggles and are on the lookout for someone to take care of them.". It's natural to want happiness for your loved ones and hate to see them suffer. What do you think of when you imagine a highly intelligent person? Within this space of hyper-responsibility lies a delusion, or denial of reality. An example of responsible is the type of person who you trust to watch your child. A victim is anyone who suffers harm or loss - to whom the act of being harmed is attributed to third party responsibility. Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life, 11 simple ways to be a better person (starting today), 10 undeniable signs youre leading a life that is true to yourself, 15 ways to say F*ck You while keeping it classy, 10 personality traits of happy people (according to psychology studies), 10 signs youre ignoring your intuition (and how to listen), 15 things elegant people never do (so you shouldnt either! You simply cannot control other peoples emotions, nor should you. In short, our existence. An example of responsible is the driver who ran a red light in an accident. Our website services, content, and products are for informational purposes only. A mentor of mine once said that trauma survivors can sniff out the inauthenticity of their healthcare . Highly intelligent people think, act and behave differently. Did it work? On the other hand, if we find ourselves apologizing for everything, it might be time to look at why we feel compelled to say "I'm sorry" so often. Of course, its natural to empathize with others who are sad or upset. This is especially difficult when someone is behaving in a way that feels unloving to us -- attacking, blaming, lying, guilting, and so on. Sunday Firesides: You Are Not Responsible for Other People's Feelings. A therapist can also work with you to help you become more comfortable with your feelings, which, in turn, can help make it easier for you not to blame others. 2. The reactions of other people are not your responsibility. But as you can see, you end up sacrificing so much along the way. We are not responsible for other people's choices, behaviors, bad decisions, addictions, the consequences of their choices, their hopes, dreams, character defects, thoughts, feelings, problems, attitudes, and moods. February 8, 2020. I cannot hold you responsible for what I do with my time, for instance. We are responsible for ourselves; we are not responsible for others. your emotions and how to respond. Try to be as objective as possible when assessing a situation and your feelings, so you dont allow your emotions to become even more heated. Do you think you feel responsible for other peoples lives? Your dark side gives rise to thoughts and feelings that make you afraid yet tempted. Last medically reviewed on September 29, 2022, Boundaries are essential to having strong and healthy relationships. If youre a people-pleaser, you may go out of your way to do things for the people in your life, based on what you assume they want or need. Do you believe that you CAUSE others' feelings, and are therefore responsible for them? Yes, I know we should experience the whole spectrum of human emotions, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)DepressionAnxietyObsessive Compulsive DisorderMore Topics, Depression TestPTSD TestExtraversion & Introversion TestEmotional Intelligence TestMore Tests, TheMindsJournal.comMind.HelpPartnered withWorld Mental Healthcare Association, 13 Habits Of Highly Intelligent People That Make Them Truly Unique. We do not have the power to directly enter another person's mind and switch their fear emotion on or off. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. It wasnt easy at first, as I was so used to being the pleaser who was always available, but after a few attempts I realized that it was really no big deal. You're. And this is the exact problem with people-pleasing. For example, if you respond to another's anger by getting angry back, rather than by taking care of yourself through choosing an intent to learn or lovingly disengaging, you will not feel safe. When we're pulled into the lives of others, we can easily lose the sight of our own lives. Nor can we control them. In essence, being responsible for your feelings (and only yours) is about switching a pattern of belief. When we interact with others, we think that we are the cause of their reactions and emotions. If they're not willing to help you, you should find another way to get your needs met instead of trying to manipulate or force them into satisfying your request. They want the empowerment of being able to have themselves. But being highly intelligent has nothing to do with having a high IQ. Taking responsibility for someone else's feelings is actually the most insensitive thing we can do because we are crossing into another's territory. Sometimes you can better articulate your thoughts when you write something out. 2) By anticipating another persons thoughts and feelings, we are basically proposing to think for them. Don't get involved in people's dramas. Since youre reading these words, its very likely that youre an empath (a highly sensitive individual). Youre not responsible for other peoples feelings, only your own. Then she would gather herbs and plants by the rocks near the forest and speak to nature. Because we shape our behavior to meet our expectation of their reaction. Or, you could feel deeply sad and hurt that I would say that to you. You can only meet people where theyre at in their life. Related: How to Stop Absorbing Other Peoples Emotions. Last Updated November 28, 2022, 2:21 am. 30 Signs Of The Common Man, How To Improve Your Relationship With Yourself, Feeling Down? How to Stop Feeling Responsible for Others' Emotions. Other peoples feelings do not fall entirely on your shoulders. Do you have a dark side? It occurs when children feel responsible for taking care of their parents emotionally while growing up. You already know that youre respecting your own needs, and youre not unfairly encroaching on theirs. When we interact with others, we think that we are the cause of their reactions and emotions. In reality, this seems to be one of the most challenging things on this planet. If you werent doing this, what would you be doing instead? And here is the reason. Do you think you are highly intelligent? Responsible for: Always replying "no worries!" when people apologize in an email. Sign #2: Conflict Avoidance. If you observed yourself for one hour of interacting with other humans, how would . You must take personal responsibility. If they are not, they will blame us for their . It can be both positive or negative: You might feel you can trust someone without actually knowing them, or you might feel in danger when, rationally . "Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them." ~Eckhart Tolle. You can do things to become more emotionally responsive, so if you notice yourself deflecting blame, you might want to consider practicing this change in mentality. So, is it my responsibility for those feelings? You are not responsible for the way your partner feels. People are at different stages and levels of consciousness, so you can choose to do the good for people who are waiting for it. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter. . Youll also learn a technique to help you stand up for yourself and take back your personal power. Lachlan Brown Its of much greater service if you tell them that they have their own guidance system and that they can trust it. The fact is you can heal only your half of . Theyll tell you that they know youre right to text you an hour later telling you what terrible happened once again. If you need to flag this entry as abusive. The advice to not take responsibility for the emotions of others is typically offered in the context of codependency - situations where one person takes on excessive responsibility for the other person and his or her experiences. When a breaking point with an intense feeling is reached, it is easy to blame others for what we are experiencing. Thats why when someone judges you, its more about them and not you. As soon as we begin to anticipate anothers reaction based on our behavior, we introduce inauthenticity into the relationship. However, we are never given more than we can handle, and each time I learn to respond lovingly in a new situation, I feel more loved, safe and valued. And when you try to change someone else, youll likely end up frustrated or in an argument. Taking full responsibility starts with 1) distinguishing affect from emotion, 2) recognizing ways we blame others for our feelings, 3) avoiding myth-based emotional labels, and 4) implementing five steps for emotional responsibility. You will not . As adults, however, we all can learn to manage these painful feelings. That is a good thing, but it's better to direct your help at people who WANT to be helped. Here Are 4 Things You Should Know If You Feel Responsible For Other Peoples Feelings. Other people need to take responsibility for their own feelings. Instead, you have responded from your ego-wounded self, trying to have control over the other's behavior. If Im late somewhere and I say its your fault! Linda Mintle. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 . But if you use common sense in evaluating your needs, you dont need to worry about other peoples defensive reactions. Paul Brian It just requires mindfulness of your thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions. They can act it out in ways that are hurtful by calling you names, hold it in and brood, or be assertive and stand up for themselves. I know that this concept might be difficult to bring into reality, but youll save yourself so much worrying which doesnt lead anywhere good. The greatest lesson you can learn in life? If I tell you, Hey, I think you suck as a human being! youre likely going to feel angry about what I just said. You made me late, thats just lazy and not very creative. We cannot control our emotions, as they are spontaneous forces that occur before our conscious mind does, but we do get to control what we do with them after they arise. Hack Spirit. The issue is really one of sorting through boundaries and gaining clarity about how we interact with the other. So hold your ground, and stand up for what you know is right. Knowing this fact, you remarked,"You're overw. Intelligence comes in many forms and most highly intelligent individuals dont even know how smart they actually are. Like the above, I can influence what you feel if I say something wack. What does it mean to be responsible for your own feelings? My friend did her best to make her friend happy, but it didnt work out. As a result, you can develop better coping skills for your emotions through emotional regulation. In other words, if youre upset with your partner because they forgot to do the dishes, its OK to tell them how youre feeling, but try not to use this as an excuse to attack them for everything or say that the dirty dishes are the sole reason youre unhappy. Taking on everyone's responsibilities is often a sign of conflict avoidance. I went through it myself, and the lessons it teaches are all about how to take responsibility for your life and develop your own mental toughness. INFJ. After being with a friend, colleague, or family member, do you tend to feel emotionally exhausted? Some of our feelings, such as heartbreak and grief from losing a loved one, or helplessness over others, or loneliness when we want to share love with another and no one is available, are caused . This doesnt make your relationship with them stronger (which is what we try unconsciously to do), it just means that you have their energy in your life that is causing the havoc. But we know deep within us, within its confines, our dark side grows silently, patiently looking for a way out. The people who adhere to the philosophy that they are not responsible for how anyone else feels deeply fear (because of their childhood experience) that if they take responsibility, they will lose themself. Its natural to not want to feel bad about yourself or like everything is your fault. Trauma survivors have a superpower: being able to read your surroundings and read people really well. Let's make a big distinction between passive influence and active influence, because to me, that's where you draw the line. The detrimental effects of feeling responsible for how others feel. Teal explains that our responsibility is a choice and that we need to learn how to choose want we . Life is not without risks, and fully embracing ourselves as individuals with a lot of feelings and needs can feel really risky. Even though the other person may be at fault, even though the other person wronged you, you are still responsible for your own feelings. Boundaries can be difficult to set and maintain, especially if you have unresolved feelings. What you can do in those moments is register what youre feeling. Me too, buddy. In trying to keep the peace, we'd rather shoulder more than our fair share of burden than risk a difficult conversation, or worse, a confrontation involving anger or rejection. I hope that you find some encouragement here. We all do. We are not completely immune from responsibility because at the end of the day we still have to be responsible for ourselves. You may try to support them, but can't really fix it . But being highly intelligent has nothing to do with having a high IQ. Of course, what we do and say can affect or hurt others. Ive met more caring people than not in my life, and I also know that if youre one of them, then you have a hard time defining your boundaries. The subliminal affirmations focus on these three elements: It can help you recognize that you are a separate and autonomous being with needs and wants. We are victims when we suffer and attribute our grief to someone else. Would you send me a text or give me a call when your plane lands and check in from time to time?. Feeling responsible for others' happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Were only in charge of our own emotions. But if you find yourself thinking, this is why Im always having a bad day: no one is reliable, or blaming all your feelings on this one event, ask yourself: Is that really true? and Am I being fair?. The next step is understanding it's not personal, because others reactions are about them. This is a challenge for the people-pleaser because they feel overly responsible for other's feelings. If you fix someones problem, then you deprive them of their lesson. The secret lies in identifying which negative emotions make you feel like shit and knowing how to deal with them. Not everyone is ready to receive love. In fact, as we discussed above, its manipulative, superficial, and leads to inauthentic relationships. 2005-2022 Psych Central a Red Ventures Company. This is especially true if we know how our actions or remarks can affect the other person's feelings. According to psychologist Melanie Greenberg: "Guilt and perfectionism have a negative bias. Sometimes after youve communicated that you want your needs to be respected, theyll decide to push your buttons and ignore you and keep doing it. After all, who would we be if we didnt feel anything? Feelings are weird, if you ask me. Trump, 76, also questioned President Biden's decision to free "one of the biggest arms dealers anywhere in the world" in a Truth Social post Thursday, claiming Bout was "responsible for . In other words, instead of saying, I am responsible for how Im feeling right now, youre deflecting and saying you are responsible for how I feel. This can lead to guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and some pretty heated arguments. Having healthy boundaries means establishing your limits and clearly expressing, What are the qualities of a strong and lasting relationship? And everyone else is responsible for theirs. But many of our feelings, such as anger, anxiety, depression, hurt, guilt, or shame, are caused by our own thoughts and . They need your attention and they arent necessarily interested in solving the problem. Your feelings, responsibilities, and actions all fall within your boundaries. Look, I could sit here all day and say, youre not responsible for other peoples feelings, so just stop it! but that wouldnt be entirely true. Although we are responsible for our own feelings, what we feel is also influenced, heightened, dampened, or muted by others. The thought of adding or removing a habit fr. How To Stop Taking Responsibility For Other People's Feelings, What Causes Self-Doubt (and 5 Steps To Undo It), Heartfelt Online Therapy, Seattle, WA 98104. If you weren't getting any self-worth from them, you wouldn't be negatively impacted by guilt, feeling selfish if you don't help, or their attempt to control you. While its no secret that it can be difficult to stop this habit and learn to stand up for yourself, there are ways to learn to stop people-pleasing and stand up for what you believe in. It is so easy to believe that your misery is coming from their behavior, rather than from your own response to their behavior. If you pay careful attention to your feelings, you will discover that when you are willing to compassionately embrace your core painful feelings without protecting against them with your own unloving behavior, you do not feel anxious, depressed, stressed or miserable. There are obviously a bunch of other ways a person can express their anger (or any feeling for that matter), none of which I am responsible for. Do you feel responsible for other peoples feelings? But while their choices are responsible for causing these feelings, you, as an adult, are responsible for managing them. When you're living with unresolved trauma, you're living in a constant state of perceived danger, which means your instincts are sharp. Ilona Andrews. Research has also shown that emotional projection is common in people with certain personality disorders, including those with borderline, histrionic, psychopathic, or narcissistic personality disorders. If you are feeling over-responsible for someone in your life, you are likely picking up some of the slack that they should be tending to. Recently, a friend of mine told me about the visit to her best friend who has relationship problems. Its downright uncomfortable and tricky at times. Hack Spirit is one of the leading authorities providing practical and accessible relationship advice. I repeat this often at my workshops; under all that dirt and fear is love. Since the other is likely to respond with more anger or withdrawal, you end up feeling bad from the interaction. If you or someone else tries to blame or guilt-trip someone else for how youre feeling right now, that is called emotional projection.. The concept of feelings and emotions is fascinating by itself, but one of the most interesting parts of it is the phenomenon of gut feeling. It was founded by Lachlan Brown in 2016. But most of the time, this isnt the case. And therefore, you are responsible for managing yourself, and other adults are responsible for managing their feelings and behaviors without your interference and concern. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), an approach that focuses on our thoughts and actions, is effective in reducing the anxiety caused by responsibility for others' happiness. The fear of making mistakes or being imperfect is known as atelophobia. It is incredibly important to establish clear emotional boundaries, or we can become so overwhelmed and overstimulated by what's going around us that it's sometimes hard to function. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. On the contrary, her best friend was complaining even more. Answer (1 of 11): This is a really good question. But the urge to please others can damage our own personal power and allow other peoples feelings and wants to have more importance than our own. For an example: your friend is overweight and is insecure about her weight. We have to be able to tell our friends and loved ones what we need and to be able to set healthy limits to our behavior as well. On helping children to not feel responsible for other people's emotions. If you need help finding a therapist, check out our guide to finding mental health care. Responsible to: Really thinking about whether you need to reassure them or not. Many people suffer with the tendency to apologize all the time, chronically, for everything. The delta male is the common, everyday man who can be f. Having a healthy relationship with yourself is extremely important when it comes to living a happy and content life. Listen to the Full Episode: Of course, another situation is when they specifically ask you to help them. People who are overly responsible often end up feeling resentful because they are not treated the same way in return. For example, if you forget a friends birthday or snap at a loved one when youre feeling stressed, dont deflect with a bunch of excuses. It makes you feel like shit and like hitting your head against the wall. Its OK to tell your partner what you need or that certain things they do upset you. If they are not, they will blame us for their . Make sure to speak up for what you need, but use your common sense to be respectful for others. Not only is it false, but it will do damage to your relationships. When you . - Children constantly trying to accommodate how their parents feel. Responsible for: Forcing people to share their feelings and thoughts about a situation. This just means youre going to have to be persistent. Or, maybe you let the person know how youre feeling in response to what they just said. Of course, we caninfluencehow another person feels. That is a good thing, but its better to direct your help at people who WANT to be helped. A lot of the time individuals who do this discover that they are deeply afraid of asking for what they need. When were pulled into the lives of others, we can easily lose sight of our own lives. Here is how likely you are to feel responsible for others, based on your personality type. Right? To put it very simply, if you think and talk about other people's lives, then you call into your life THEIR energy. We make our own choices in life. In my new eBook, I take you on a journey from my days as a lost 20-something hefting TVs in a warehouse to embracing Buddhism and creating the life of my dreams. Boundaries are where we begin and another person ends. This is called emotional responsibility. Other support option includes: the crisis text line by texting HOME to 741741to connect to a crisis counselor. I can appreciate how difficult it is to hold this perspective in mind when it comes to going through conflict with a loved one. In other words, consider whether your reaction to a situation is in proportion to reality and whether someone truly deserves as much blame for your negative emotions as you may be casting. They're saying we're only responsible for the things we can control and, beyond you doing your best to be a good person, you can't control other people's feelings. It distorts your thoughts and emotions, yet it feels so right. This appears to be the way our souls grow when we have opted for spiritual growth. Although you may influence how someone feels, you cannot change how they actually feel. "I don't believe you," I jutted out my chin like a petulant toddler. What you can do to be more present and have true kindness for others. Last Updated December 7, 2022, 9:34 am, by Here is a 4-step process that will help you stand up for what you need. November 25, 2022, 1:25 pm, by In fact, people-pleasers can sometimes have a low opinion of themselves, believing that people only care about them when theyre useful, and need praise from others to feel better about themselves. Here are a few signs that indicate you have a tendency to take responsibility for peoples' happiness, feelings, d. Wed probably feel a lot less drained at the end of the day and hell, our relationships might actually balance out. - The child becomes a source of emotional support and caregiving to parents. Collapsing back into the tufted leather loveseat, I conceded, "I want to believe you, but I can't.". If you waste all your energy on people, who value pain more than you cant help where it makes a difference. Having a healthy relationship with yourself is extremely important when it comes to living a happy and content life. Emotions make life complicated. Not all emotions pull you down. This is the same energy that has created the drama in their lives in the first place. Your feelings are created by your thoughts, and other people don't cause or control them. A therapist might be able to help you identify when youre being defensive, deflecting blame, or not being emotionally responsible. Here's how to protect yourself. However, it is not my responsibility for how you choose to express and share your feelings with me. Instead, tell your partner or friend what you need from them. Salow also encourages others to find their true self and to express it in their unique way and connect with their inner guidance because she genuinely believes in embodied wisdom.View Author posts. Right? It makes you feel like shit and like hitting your head against the wall. Hi. Every morning she would rise with the Sun, offer her prayers and ask to be shown the way. Be authentic, be yourself, and take responsibility for what you know is right. If so, take responsibility over what you do next. by After all, being nice to people around you doesnt seem so bad. If, as an adult, you are miserable in the face of another's unloving behavior, it is not their behavior that is creating your misery, but rather your own unloving response. Responsible to: Really thinking about whether you need to reassure them or not. How do you get there if you've got love, but everything else is shaky? If youre ready to finally escape the life traps youve been stuck in, this eBook is what youve been waiting for. 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